53 Weeks
by the-wolf-and-the-star
Summary: The 53 weeks leading up to Halloween 1981.
1. Chapter 1: Porch Proposals

"What do you do for Halloween with a three month old?" James wondered aloud as he sat with the Marauders. They were sitting on the porch of the Potter house a week from Halloween. James looked into the window to see Lily playing with Harry. He couldn't believe he was a father and that after years of chasing Lily, she had finally gone out with him.

"This is why I'm not a father." Sirius answered. He took a drag of his cigarette and smiled at Remus.

Peter laughed, "That's because you can't get your boyfriend pregnant."

"Leave me out of this, please." Remus said with as much dignity as he could find. He didn't like it when people talked about him dating Sirius. He knew people were okay with it, but it made him feel awkward.

"We could go to the bar." Peter thought.

"We are not taking my son to a bar, Peter." James said, shutting that idea down immediately.

"Well," Remus began to think, "He's too young to go Trick-Or Treating." He looked at Sirius, "Next year we can probably all take him, but not now. We could dress him up though." Remus knew what Sirius had been thinking about wanting to take Harry Trick-Or-Treating. They could usually answer questions without having to ask them. Sirius smiled at the idea.

"Like have a costume party?" James looked at Sirius, "you need to have an appropriate costume. Don't show up naked."

"Being a Dad must suck all of the fun right out of you. I can be at a party without taking my clothes off." Sirius finished his cigarette and started walking towards the door. "If you excuse me, I have a God son to see, and if you'll notice, I'm fully clothed." Sirius walked inside and shut the door with a little more force than was necessary.

"Yeah, just like at my bachelors party!" James yelled at the door. "I should go talk to him." James started to head inside but Remus put his arm out to stop him.

"No, let me. I'm the only one who can calm him down when he's like this." Remus put down his butterbeer and headed inside after Sirius. He found Sirius sitting on the floor with Lily and Harry, playing peek-a-boo, all traces of anger gone.

"He actually told me not to show up naked, Lily. Can you believe that? A year ago, James would be just as naked as I am." Sirius picked up Harry and sat him on his lap. He had loved Harry like he was his own son.

Remus sat down next to Sirius. "Lily, we were talking outside about coming over for Halloween and dressing up Harry. Do you think that would be okay?"

Lily smiled, "Better than taking him to a bar. I bet that's what James was planning."

"No, darling wife, that is not what I was planning. I actually said not to take him to a bar." James and Peter had walked into the living room and sat down on the couch.

"Sorry, I thought it would be fun." Peter said, looking around the room at everyone.

"Oh Wormy, what are we going to do with you? Time for Harry to go to bed, I think." Lily stood up and walked the three steps over to Sirius and held out her arms for her son.

"Could I read him to sleep?" Sirius asked, hopeful.

"Yeah, that would be fine. Does Uncle Remus want to read to him too?"

"You know me, books and I'm there." Remus stood up and took Harry from Sirius so Sirius could stand up. They walked upstairs and into the nursery.

"I'm going to go take a shower since I actually have time tonight. Thanks for reading to him." Lily walked out of the room and left Remus and Sirius with Harry.

Downstairs, Peter and James were still sitting on the couch. "Why aren't you upstairs with Harry?"

"I read to him every night. I thought I'd give Sirius time to read to Harry, and of course Remus. Lily isn't with them, either." As he had said this, they could hear the water upstairs starting to run.

"This is why Sirius is God father and I am not."

"No, Sirius is God father because you think it's a good idea to get my son drunk." James was teasing, but underneath his teasing, he was completely serious. "And you know he's been my best friend for years. Not that I'm not close to you, Wormtail." He added on as an afterthought. "I just feel like Sirius and Remus should be allowed to read to Harry because could you imagine what would happen if they ever raised a child what kind of horrible things people would say? Not that Sirius would let that stop him or anything. He'd probably punch them in the face. But if they want to read to Harry, they can do that."

"Sirius would have shown up naked if you hadn't told him to."

"No, he wouldn't have shown up naked. He would have gotten drunk and ended up naked, that's not the same thing. Look, Sirius would have done this before Harry came along, but not now. Look at him, he's holding Harry constantly. If something ever happened to Lily and I, I'd want Remus and Sirius to take care of Harry." He said that quietly, trying not to think about it. But the truth was there and no matter how much they tried to avoid it, there was a war going on and people would die. People already were dying.

Peter nodded and stood up, mumbling about having to go home. He waved to James, yelled upstairs he was leaving, and walked out the front door. He looked back for a moment and thought about his friends and the war they tried not to talk about when they weren't doing things for the Order. He knew he would probably die, but he really didn't want to. He began to think of ways to stay alive. At the moment, none came to him.

Upstairs, Sirius was about to read to Harry. He was sitting in the rocking chair when he looked up at Remus. "You hold him. I've held him all night." He handed Harry over to him. Remus took Harry carefully. Sirius watched. Remus was always so careful at this. Sirius felt clumsy and awkward.

Sirius stood up from the chair and walked over to where James and Lily kept the books. "Should we read to him about the grumpy goat? I always liked that one as a kid." He picked up the book and walked over to the chair and opened the book. When he had finished reading, Harry was fast asleep in Remus' arms. "He likes you, Moony." Sirius whispered.

James had walked in and watched as Sirius and Remus put Harry in the crib. They walked over to him and Remus whispered, "Thanks for letting us come over and read to him."

"Yeah, really, thanks Prongs." Sirius hit him on the shoulder affectionately. "We should get home though and I can plan what I'm wearing for Halloween." Lily and James walked them to the front of the house and she stood waving as she watched them head for their flat, apparating home.

"You know, I could be Peter Pan." Sirius thought as he climbed into bed later that night. "I always liked him. Never grow up. Sounds like me." Remus pulled back the covers and got into bed next to Sirius."

"I'm not being Tinkerbelle. Glitter does not look good on me." Remus yawned and moved closer to Sirius. "Think of something else, I'm not doing it. Turn off the light, please." Remus yawned again.

Sirius reached over to turn off the light but stopped. "Maybe we could be fluffy little bunnies because that's appropriate for children."

"Sirius, don't. You would look horrible with a bunny tail."

"Togas. We could get Togas. You know, Caesar had a boyfriend."

"Good night, Padfoot."

"What, he was manly. And you wouldn't have to wear glitter. It's perfect."

"Mmhmm. I'm going to sleep now." Remus closed his eyes.

"Night, Moony." Sirius turned off the light, determined to be the best Caesar for Halloween. "I need to look up his boyfriend's name. We can't just be Caesar and boyfriend." He fell asleep a few moments later.


	2. Chapter 2: Lunch Dates

Remus opened his eyes in the morning and waited for his eyes to adjust to the light. Sirius was already awake and out of the room. Remus stood up and thought about getting dressed, and then thought there wasn't a point. Even though he had slept all night, he felt his eyes still droop. Yawning, he walked out of the bedroom and into the kitchen where Sirius sat reading the Prophet and drinking a cup of tea.

"Morning," Sirius looked up from the paper and grinned. "I was going to come wake you up soon. I should be going to work now though." He stood up, "it's weird, me being the adult, and I always thought it would be the other way around."

Remus grunted. _I would if I could hold down a job, _he thought. Sirius handed him a cup of tea and the paper, gave him a kiss on the cheek, and walked out the door. He stood there for a minute before sitting down with the paper. More people were dying. He closed it and sat drinking his tea. He ached, the wolf inside just below the surface, begging to be freed.

Today was one of the hard days. Remus moved over to the faded couch in the living room and sat down again. He didn't feel human at all. What was the point of getting dressed when he would just sit at home anyway while Sirius worked all day? Sirius, of all people, had a full-time job, and left the house to work, while he sat at home and read books and cleaned the house. It wasn't fair. He couldn't understand why Sirius, and the others, had stayed with him for so long.

When he had been bitten as a child, he had given up on ever being a normal boy. He had given up the idea of having friends, or having someone come home to him every day. And then James, Sirius, and Peter had come along and put up with him. _It was more than that though,_ Remus thought. _They gave up everything for you. Sirius wouldn't stay if he didn't want to. _He tried to reassure himself. Remus tried to push the nagging voice in his head far away. It wouldn't budge. _Werewolves aren't supposed to have friends._

He remembers going to St. Mungo's shortly after the first full moon with his parents. He sat in the waiting room and they tried to pretend that he would be okay and that things weren't so bad. He remembers his mother trying not to cry. As he got older, he sat in the waiting room reading more books. Books were good in the way that they took him away from dealing with reality. He did not want to watch his mother try not to cry. The first time it was Hamlet. They were rather impressed. The next full moon he was reading Peter Pan. Every time he brought with him another book. The doctors would ask him about all of the characters he liked best as they poked him. He tried not to notice.

He tried not to notice the way that people treated him differently, the way that his parents didn't really know how to treat him, all of the ways that he was different. Most children went to school, but he didn't. His parents kept him at home until he was eleven and got to go to school at Hogwarts, and only because Dumbledore insisted that he would be okay.

Remus sat up and walked over to the book shelf to peruse for a book to get lost in for a while. He did not want to think anymore. _Sirius is right, my life is depressing._ He remembered the joke made in their third year. The Complete Works of Edgar Allen Poe seemed appropriate. He grabbed that and sat down again when he heard a knock at his door. He normally did not have visitors.

He opened the door to find Lily and Harry and let them in with a small smile. As Lily walked in holding Harry, she looked at the book lying on the coffee table. "Poe?" She raised one eyebrow.

"It is rather appropriate considering it is almost Halloween." Remus chuckled.

"Have you told Sirius yet?" Lily sat down on the couch. "I thought you could use a friend today, and I've been locked in the house too long. So Harry and I thought we would come over; I hope that is alright." Harry was too small to do anything but eat, defecate, and sleep, but Remus was fine with that because he was not up for entertaining today.

"Told Sirius what?" He knew what she was referring to. "I'll make some tea." He turned to leave. He stopped, turned back, and looked at Lily holding Harry. He was already asleep. "He'll work it out soon, I suppose. I haven't told him yet. He's planning on being Caesar for Halloween and I'll be Caesar's lover. He wants me to look up his name and make us matching costumes." He stopped for a moment to take a deep breath. "I can't tell him that he gets to go to a fabulous party while I try not to tear myself apart."

"We can postpone it." Lily was quiet. "It's his first one, everyone should be there. We want you to be there, and you know Sirius is not going to be okay with you being alone. He's not even going to remember this one."

"No." Remus choked out. "No, you can't postpone life. I'll join you all next year." He tried to smile. "I'm in my pajamas and it's noon. I'm going to change and make us some tea. I'll be back."

"You don't have to change for me, Remus. But tea would be lovely." She smiled up at him and rocked Harry in her arms.

Remus changed anyway as the kettle heated up. He sat on his bed for a few moments trying to figure out what to wear. _It's Lily and Harry. I can wear anything._ He pulled on an old grey sweater and some trousers finally and walked back out to get the tea.

"Sorry about that," Remus sat back down on the couch with their tea. "I'm slow some days."

"Thank you for the tea. I know what you mean. I barely sleep and some days I feel like I'm not even here." She somehow managed to hold Harry and take a sip of her tea. Remus assumed that part of being a mother was learning how to be a superhero. "Part of it is having a baby. Mostly, I'm just worried." She grew very quiet. "I try not to think about it, but I worry." He nodded. What words could he say to make things better? He had none. "Would you like to have lunch with us?" Lily asked, trying to change the subject.

"Lunch would be lovely." As they finished their tea, Harry finally woke up and smiled at Remus. Lily handed Harry to Remus, took the tea cups, and walked into the kitchen to wash them.

The afternoon passed and the sun started to set. "I should be getting home. I'll leave you to your Poe." She winked at him, "We should have lunch more often. Werewolves deserve friends, especially when said werewolves are wonderful." She and Harry left a few moments later.

Remus barely had any time to start reading when the door swung open again. "You better put that book away and pay attention to me." Sirius laughed as he walked in from the front of the house and over into the living room.

"I'll have you know I did not spend all day reading." He let Sirius put one arm around him, the other was full of what Remus assumed were groceries.

"Why don't I believe you?" Sirius teased.

"Ask Lily." He let go to sit back down.

Sirius raised both eyebrows. "You had a woman over here while I worked all day. Where is the justice in that?"

"Harry was here, too."

"I missed Harry for work, damn it, now I'm really upset." He put up his hands in mock frustration. "Did you get any ideas for our Halloween costume yet?"

If he had any real courage, Remus would tell Sirius that he could not participate, and to just find another costume. "No, not yet," he felt like a coward, "I was a little busy." _ Just tell him and get it over with. He isn't stupid; he's going to figure it out shortly. You keep secrets all the time, but not from Sirius._

"I brought home takeout." He sat the bag of Chinese food down on the coffee table. "Look at me being all domestic. I think I'll set fire to the drapes to liven things up."

"We really can't afford that, so please don't." He laughed, and reached for some egg rolls. "Although they are boring drapes, so I suppose it's not a real loss."

"Next time you pick them. And I'll get ten of them so when I get bored I'll have something to do."

"If you're bored, I think I can think of something for us to do." He took another bite of his egg roll.

"What would that be?"

"Each other," he tried not to laugh.

"Remus Lupin, are you flirting with me?" Sirius sat the food down.

"I think I am, Mr. Black."

"Dinner can wait." He grabbed Remus and headed for their bedroom.


	3. Chapter 3: Bar Fights

"Fuck." Sirius breathed deeply. He lit a cigarette and held Remus close. Inhaling the smoke, he looked up at the ceiling. "Fuck."

"Yes, we fucked." Remus joked. "I've always been better at words, I'm afraid." Remus smiled at the contact of Sirius. Taking off clothes was easy, but being close to someone was more intimate, and in that sense of the word intimacy, Remus preferred that to sex.

"Well, yes, but I mean," he took another drag of his cigarette. "You want one?" Remus held out his hand for a cigarette. "That was…amazing."

"What would your mother say if she saw you smoking in bed?" He raised an eyebrow.

"What would my mother say if she saw me naked with a werewolf in my bed?" He took another drag and exhaling said, "Of course I never listened to her, and I was disowned. It was inevitable, really."

"Being disowned?" Remus did not particularly like cigarettes, but living with Sirius all these years, it had rubbed off on him. He only liked smoking them after sex though. They burned his throat and made his eyes water. He tried not to cough.

"Smoking in bed, although your example works," Sirius sat up. "As much as I love lying in bed with you, I believe our dinner is cold." He stood up to find his trousers that had been thrown on the floor in haste. He turned back to the bed to see Remus had not moved.

"You have to go without me." Damn, his courage picked the strangest times to show up. "You have to go to Halloween without me." He did not look at Sirius, but played with the dark blue covers.

"And why on earth would I do-shit!" Sirius had been looking for his shirt, but comprehension had hit him like a freight train. He slid back onto the bed and leaned into the headboard. He reached out to touch Remus, to put his arm around him, but stopped. Remus would not want to be touched, but to sit there in his own agony.

"I didn't want to tell you. That's why I told you to just go to sleep. That's why Lily came over today. To make sure I was okay." The words were quiet, he could barely get them off his lips. He took a deep drag of his cigarette and continued playing with the blankets that were lopsided and falling off the bed.

"So how long were you going to continue to let me be an idiot?" Sirius tried not to be hurt. He tried not to think of how stupid he was being. He was usually so aware of the moon cycles and didn't have to be told when they occurred.

"I knew you would figure it out soon." Remus finally looked at him. "I'm sorry. Go without me. Have a lovely time. I'll be able to go next year."

"That's not a fucking option, and you know it." Sirius reached for Remus' hand. "Moony, that is never an option. I'll just have to go next year too and-"

"No, you're his Godfather. You have to go."

"Why the hell does it matter? He's not even going to remember."

"Because I will," he looked away again. "I will remember how I had to miss it and I'm not going to drag you away from it. You have to go. What are we going to do when Harry is old enough and I'm not there? It's bad enough when I'll miss things, but then when you are gone, too, he'll notice something."

"You really think Harry will care if he knows about us?" He forced Remus to look at him again. "He's James's and Lily's. He's going to be fucking fine with us being his awesome uncles who happen to be poofs. He's not going to fucking care. He'll understand it."

"What if he doesn't want us in his life?"

"Remus, no, don't even say that. James and Lily will teach Harry at a very young age that different is okay."

"Go without me. You can take pictures and tell me all about it when I wake up."

"No. I'm not leaving you alone."

"Sirius, please," Remus finally sat up. "Go without me, I was alone every time before Hogwarts. I'll manage."

"You don't have to be alone, I'm here." Sirius got back off the bed. "Now we were having a nice evening, let's go eat dinner, and if you still insist that I go to Halloween alone, I will. But I will not bloody well have a nice time without you." He put his shirt back on and looked at Remus before he walked out of the bedroom and tried not to slam the door.

After seven years of living with Sirius at Hogwarts, Remus knew when Sirius was like this that it was best to just let him calm down. Sirius mumbled something about not even wanting to eat anymore and stormed out of the flat. Remus figured that he was off on his motorbike, or sorting things out with James, or off drinking himself into oblivion somewhere. If Sirius was gone long enough, he would go and look for him. He started cleaning up the mess and tried not to let the evil bastard in his head win. The one that told him that he deserved everything because of what he is.

Remus had been right; Sirius had turned up at James and Lily's. He had not taken his motorbike, but walked the mile, trying to put words together to explain why he was so pissed.

He didn't even have to knock as Lily had seen him coming and opened the door with a smile. The smile faded only a little when she saw the enraged look on Sirius' face. "James is upstairs with Harry, go on up."

"Thanks, but actually I want to talk to you first." He stopped at the stairs and yelled to let James know he was there. Lily motioned him into the living room and he sat down.

"What's on your mind, Sirius? She looked past the anger and saw hurt. If she looked at Sirius long enough, she could always see layers in his expressions. Sirius, most would think, seemed to not have many layers, but Lily had begun to see more of them. It had been Remus that had shown them to her at first. She folded her arms as she sat on the edge of the sofa.

"I wanted to thank you for going to see Remus today." His hands were clenched tight. "I feel like an idiot. I should have known the moon was coming. And I leave him alone all day while I work. I didn't think. I never stop to think." He paused, thought about lighting a cigarette, and then remembered that his Godson was upstairs so smoking would be frowned upon. He sighed. "I'm not okay with it."

"With Remus staying alone on the full moon," Lily whispered. "I don't like it either. But you know Remus better than anyone, and you know that he's been alone before." She looked at the floor as she waited for Sirius to erupt.

"But he doesn't have to be!" Sirius yelled. "He's got me, and Peter, and James. And it's not okay for me to go to a party while he stays home."

"You know, if you stayed home, it would be okay with us. We understand."

"But you know Remus won't allow that; which is why I'm going to be selfish, like always, and ask a favour."

"You are not selfish, Sirius. But if you are asking that we postpone it, I already offered."

"I know." He tried to smile, "I know, and I'm grateful for that. What is Harry going as?"

"I don't know yet. Maybe a mummy, or a cat."

"Lily, how could you do that to me? A cat. Oh the betrayal." Even upset, Sirius could still be found mocking. He clutched his hand to his heart in mock horror.

"Okay, cat is out. What do you suggest?" She looked up at smiled. Sirius, all those years ago, hadn't really liked Lily. He thought she seemed uptight. But as he had gotten to know her, he began to appreciate Lily's humour. She wasn't openly funny, but she was great at teasing people, and Sirius had decided, once Lily had stopped breaking James's heart every week by refusing to go out with him, that Lily was really pretty great as far as women were concerned.

"Can we dress him up as Moony?" Lily saw the excitement on his face. Sirius was like a puppy and she couldn't say no.

"Five galleons say you throw up on yourself before Harry does." She smiled. "Trying to get him to see that Harry will grow up loving him?"

"Maybe. Lily, are you sure you should gamble? I think I can control myself for one evening." He reached for the cigarette pack in his pocket again, but stopped.

"We'll see about that." She laughed, and Sirius found himself laughing with her. He also had realized that Lily made him feel at ease about things. "James is going to be offended if you don't go do your boys club thing. Go upstairs."

"Let's grab Peter and go to the bar." James said as he put Harry into his crib. "Too bad you and Moony are kind of on the rocks."

"We are not on the rocks." Sirius sighed. "I just don't like him being alone. It isn't fair."

"No, I suppose not." They walked back downstairs and James kissed Lily on the cheek. "We're going to go cause some mischief. I'll be home later. Don't wait up."

"Don't get arrested." Lily smiled and waved at Sirius. "I mean it, if you think I am bailing you out you are sadly mistaken." James stuck out his tongue.

"Are bar fights allowed, Lily?" Sirius asked and winked.

"It's your face." They left a few minutes later in search of Peter.

Peter was at home, as was to be expected.

Peter had been wrestling with himself all day. Some friends, he had realized, slowly fade apart. Others just break apart without warning. Peter wasn't sure which was which anymore. He didn't know why he had done it. Maybe because he didn't feel as brave as Sirius or James, and didn't feel like dying. That seemed to be a big factor in his decision to join Voldemort. Being a double agent would be difficult, and he had to act like nothing was wrong with his friends. He had to act like he wasn't on the other side, or slipping information about the Order to the other side. He had to be convincing, and he wasn't sure if he was convincing enough.

People say that would die for a cause all the time, Peter had realized this. He had grown up in Gryffindor, and although the war had not started right away, he was used to this idea. Bravery meant that you punched the bad guys in the face. But what was really the bad guy? Things seemed muddled to him. He didn't know which was which anymore. Saying you'll die and actually dying are different. He couldn't tell James or Sirius or even Remus this.

What Peter wanted more than anything was to lie low tonight and drink some tea, but playing a convincing traitor meant socializing with the people you were supposed to betray. It meant going to Order meetings and getting inside information and trying to pass it off without getting caught. It meant acting like nothing was wrong, that Peter was just dumb old Peter with ideas of taking babies to bars. He found himself angry with the others. He had been a Marauder, but he felt like he was less than them. He was a member of the boys club, but only just. He had felt this for years, and only now had this idea surfaced.

People do desperate things to stay alive, he reasoned. He thought about making a cup of tea when James and Sirius had knocked on the door. Peter opened it and forced a small smile. "Where's Remus?" Peter asked as he let James and Sirius inside.

"He wasn't feeling well." James answered for Sirius, who didn't feel like explaining.

Peter nodded. "I'm not sure if I want to go out tonight." Peter had noticed, but had known better than to say something. Peter was more observant than people gave him credit for.

"You have to come out with us. We're maraudering. How many more chances will we have at this?" James put his arm around Peter's shoulders. Sirius did his best to join in the fun. This was why he was going out; to forget about how shitty it was that Remus had to miss things.

Sirius hated feeling like there was nothing he could do to help, especially because Remus refused to let him.

"Alright, alright, let go of me." Peter put on a jacket and they left for the bar. He had to be convincing, and he did his best. He thought he had been the same, and that Sirius and James hadn't noticed that anything was wrong.

Several rounds of alcohol later, the boys were inebriated. Sirius's mood had not improved, but he was trying to have fun. James was what many would consider the "I Love You" drunk. He had his arm around Peter again, slurring his words, saying over and over again how great Peter was and how they would always be close.

Sirius wanted nothing more than for Remus to walk through the doors and join them, to reassure him that things would be okay. He was being irrational, and he knew it. Remus had been alone before. He had known this. But it didn't make it any easier, especially because he had promised that as long as he was there, Remus wouldn't have to be alone during the full moon. Sirius grabbed his cup of butterbeer and took a giant gulp and tried to not watch the door. Remus would probably not come.

Sirius turned his attention from the door of the bar and back to his friends. James had been talking to him, but he hadn't noticed.

"You'll be alright, Padfoot." James drunkenly patted his head affectionately. "He'll come around."

"I feel like the biggest dork on the planet. I'm Sirius Fucking Black and I'm being an idiot."

"You know," Peter started, "Your middle name is Orion. But I appreciate the idea." He took another sip of his butterbeer. "You'll be alright."

"I'll be alright." Sirius nodded.

Remus had come through the door. He sat down next to Sirius. "Of course you'll be alright." He joined in. Sirius visibly brightened up. "I can't let you have all the fun." Remus explained as James ordered him a butterbeer.

The Marauders were kicked out of the bar a few hours later at closing time. "This might sound cheesy, but I'm drunk, so I'll pretend I haven't said anything." Sirius breathed into Remus's ear.

"Since you are drunk, I will pretend you haven't said anything." Remus hiccupped. "I think," he put a hand over his mouth, "I'm also drunk. I'm drunk." He started to laugh.

"We finally have gotten Moony drunk!" James yelled at the random passerbys in the street. "We need to celebrate with more alcohol tomorrow."

"That is a bad idea. I feel sick." Peter tried not to projectile vomit into the trashcan.

"As I was saying," Sirius began to tell Remus, "I'm very glad to be going home with you, Moony." He kissed him on the cheek.

"Can you not do that in public?" A random person had said.

"Fuck off." James answered.

"I'm Sirius Fucking Black." Sirius began to yell. "I will kiss my boyfriend's cheek in public if I fucking want to. You are lucky that is all I did." He grabbed Remus's hand and began to walk faster.

James punched the man in the jaw and managed to get in a few more punches before being kicked in the face. Peter stopped him from doing any more damage. "Lily will be pissed if she has to bail you out of jail. Let's get out of here." They apparated back to the Potter's house.

"Well, I'd say this was a typical night out for the Marauders." Remus began to examine James's swollen face. "You didn't have to do that."

"Yes, I did." James rubbed his jaw. "No one fucks with my best friends."


	4. Chapter 4: Halloween, 1980

They managed to apparate back to the Potter's house without any more confrontations and Lily was already in bed now that it was what could be considered very early in the morning. The Marauders followed James into the kitchen and Peter forced James into a chair. Using his wand, Peter turned on the kitchen lights.

"Don't make too much noise, this might hurt." Remus had gotten the first aid kit out, Lily had insisted they keep in the house, and he handed it to Peter. Peter dabbed at James's face and James winced, but did not make a lot of noise.

Sirius, noticing that everyone seemed to have a role to play, went upstairs and knocked on James and Lily's bedroom door before slowly entering. "Sorry to wake you up."

Lily turned on the lamp by their bed and sat up. "Is everyone okay? Is James okay? What happened?" Her bright green eyes were full of terror. Sirius noticed that these were eyes affected by war.

"He's fine, kind of." He put his hands in his pockets. "Some arse made fun of Remus and me for being poofs and James had to punch him in the face." He watched Lily's expression change, at first calming down, and then she looked sad, but also very angry.

"I am so sorry." Lily hopped out of bed, put on her light blue robe, and embraced Sirius.

Sirius put his arms around Lily and let her hug him for a moment. "I'm the one responsible for Prongs getting punched in the face and _you're_ apologizing?" He let go.

"Yes, but this wasn't your fault. People's minds will change, but you should never feel bad that James stood up for you." She started walking down the stairs.

"You're not mad?" Sirius had grown up in what could only be described as harsh conditions. If he had come home and explained that his brother was in a fist fight, he would have gotten in major trouble, and probably slapped. He knew that Lily was nothing like that, most people weren't, but was still a little surprised when no one was mad for infractions he was usually responsible for.

"Why on earth would I be mad at you? Let's go fix James up." She did her best to reassure him. "We'll laugh about this in a few years, okay?"

Relieved, Sirius went downstairs after Lily and back to the kitchen. James was practically healed up by Peter and Remus.

"Thank Merlin your face isn't ruined." Lily moved Peter out of the way.

"Why did you wake up Lily?" James turned his head as much as he could with Lily examining it. "It's not that bad."

"Believe it or not, Prongs, but sometimes I feel responsible for things." Sirius sat down in a chair.

"Well," Lily said as she closely examined James's face, "Wormy and Moony did a good job of cleaning you up." She let go of his face and walked over to the stove and put the kettle on. "This was not your fault. I told that to Sirius when he came to get me, Remus. But you need to hear it from me, too." Remus nodded.

"We should really get home." Sirius stood up and Remus nodded again. "I think Moony is in shock."

"I'm not in shock." He grabbed Sirius's hand and held it. "I'm just sorry that people don't understand me, or…my boyfriend. And they feel the need to yell at me and then my friends feel the need to get beat up on my account."

"Yes, but I'm the one that drunkenly kissed you, so if it's anyone's fault, it's mine." Sirius squeezed Remus's hand tighter.

"Yes, but I'm the git that had to go and hit him. I had the first punch." Prongs held ice to his swelling face.

"Yes, well, blaming people isn't going to change the events." Peter spoke up.

"Wormy is right." Lily yawned and folded her arms as she waited for the tea to be ready. "Please just stay for tea and then you can go get some sleep and we'll see you all tomorrow for the pre-Halloween festivities." The tea kettle whistled and she pulled out five cups from the cupboard.

Four heads swiveled to look at her. "What? You honestly think we're going to let Remus miss Harry's first Halloween? I've already got things planned, don't worry about it. And I don't want to hear any objections, damn it."

She poured the tea and made everyone sit down. The only sound was the clock ticking on the wall, reading three AM, and the occasional sips of tea. Peter stood up when he was finished and made an excuse to go home. The tension in the air hung over them.

Remus and Sirius sat across from James and Lily. No one spoke for a long time. Remus was the first to speak. "I can't do this anymore."

"What?"

"This." Remus had still been holding Sirius's hand, but let go.

Sirius felt a knot in his throat and knew he was close to tears. His stomach twisted violently. "What? Hold my damn hand? Be with me? What?" His voice was nearing the edge of hysteria, and he did his best to calm down.

"I can't let anyone get hurt anymore on account of me." What efforts Sirius had been using to control himself were drained from him.

"Then don't do this." Sirius felt a few tears escape and he brushed them away. James and Lily looked away, trying to let Sirius and Remus have their moment.

"You don't understand."

"No, _you_ don't understand." Sirius flung over the edge and into full blown hysteria. He threw his tea cup against the wall. The noise made everyone jump. "You don't fucking understand. I have never once given a shit that you're a werewolf. I have been on some of the best adventures of my life, and they all have memories of you in it. And James and Peter, and being an animigus, illegally, it was all a part of the adventure. And now you just want me to move out or whatever or leave you alone because you don't want anyone to get hurt? That's fucking bullshit! Being hurt is a part of life. And I hate to inform you, but I am not going anywhere. I made that promise in our second year and I am fucking sticking to it!"

Upstairs, Harry had woken and began to cry violently from all the noise. "Shit. I fucked things up again!" Sirius yelled and went over to fix the tea cup he had thrown.

Lily left the kitchen as quietly as she could to get Harry. One look at James told him to calm Padfoot down and she would deal with Harry.

Sirius's hands shook. "If you tell anyone I just cried like this, I will end you personally, Prongs."

Remus sat with his hands folded in his lap. He did nothing but stare at them as he tried to breathe evenly.

"Sirius, leave the damn tea cup." Sirius had sat on the kitchen floor leaned against the cupboard trying to fix the tea cup but he was crying too hard and couldn't use the spell to fix it. James forced Sirius to look at him. "You'll be okay. You and Remus are going to be okay. It's very late. We've had an emotional day. It happens. My face is fine. Lily is fine. Harry is fine. Peter is fine. We are _all_ fine. Now maybe you two should go home and get some sleep and we can work things out tomorrow." He helped Sirius up.

"Now Padfoot, you and Moony need to kiss and make up." Lily had come back downstairs and was holding Harry.

"I'm sorry." Remus grabbed Sirius's hand. "I'm sorry I said those things. I get scared sometimes, and there's this evil bastard in my head sometimes." Sirius raised an eyebrow.

"You are not an evil bastard, any part of you. Let's go home."

"Home." Remus agreed.

The morning sun seeped into James and Lily's bedroom, causing James to open his eyes. He grumbled and rolled over, pulling the pillow out from under him and threw it over his head. Lily, having gotten up early to take care of Harry, walked over to the bed and started playing with James's pillow. "Lily flower, I love you dearly, but if you don't go away, I will never forgive you." This came out muffled from the pillow, and laughing, Lily removed the pillow. James shut his eyes and groaned.

"Sorry, didn't hear you, James." She smirked. "Come on, get up. We've got to get ready for Halloween." She tried to pull James out of bed, but failed. James was incredibly stubborn and hung onto the headboard for dear life. Refusing to play tug-of-war any longer, Lily let go. "I'll make you a deal." She climbed back into bed and snuggled up to him.

"I'm open to deals." He yawned, but wrapped her in his arms.

"I'll let you sleep another hour."

"How is that a deal?"

"I'm letting you sleep for another hour."

"You could stay in bed with me." He kissed her hair.

"I really can't though. I'm really worried about Remus and Sirius. They had a really nasty fight and…just I have to go get ready." She kissed him on the cheek and got back out of bed. "One more hour, then please get up."

"Anything for you, Lily flower," James grinned, rolled back over, and yawned into his pillow. He fell back asleep shortly after.

Peter woke up in his empty flat and slowly got out of bed to make some tea. An owl from Lily told him to come over as soon as he could for the Halloween festivities. Well, the pre-festivities, he thought. His head was pounding; the last thing he had wanted was to go out last night, and it resulted in a fist fight.

_Today I'm staying home, damn it._ He rubbed the temple of his head and tried to get the splitting headache to leave. The sound of the tea kettle whistling felt like a train leaving the station in the middle of his kitchen.

He had drunk far too much last night. Peter grabbed some parchment and wrote Lily back saying he felt sick and was not coming. He didn't even feel slightly guilty.

Sirius had not slept at all. He had lain in bed watching Remus, replaying the events of the evening. He couldn't believe he had cried like that, but he had felt his heart breaking. He felt stupid and silly, and reached for a cigarette, trying to calm himself. He watched Remus sleep and saw as Remus's mouth twitched a little, as if he was smiling.

This was the reassurance Sirius needed. He felt the lack of sleep hit his body. Yawning a couple of times before closing his eyes, he let the wave of sleep wash over him.

Sirius felt Remus sit up next to him. Normally, Sirius was a very heavy sleeper, but lately, he had been so concerned about Remus, especially after last night, that he was connected at the very core to Remus. If Remus moved, Sirius would move with him.

He opened his eyes again. "Tell me we're okay." His voice was gravely and hoarse.

Remus looked into his eyes, and he felt his heart beat quicken. He didn't say anything for what seemed like forever. Finally he whispered, "We're okay, Padfoot." Remus looked at the smoking cigarette in the ash tray. "Did you sleep at all?"

"Not really." Sirius sighed, "I needed to know we were okay. You smile sometimes in your sleep." Sirius tried to grin. They were okay. Remus had said so.

"Do I?" Remus's mouth twitched again. Sirius nodded. "I was dreaming about you, actually."

All of the doubt Sirius had melted away. He grabbed for Remus, his hands shaking violently. He held him as close as was physically possible, and yet it wasn't enough.

"I was dreaming about you and the first time you kissed me, actually."

Sirius laughed. "You kissed me."

"I think we kissed each other." Remus's heart lightened at the memory. He'd been feeling so heavy lately. He wanted to stay like this forever, curled up with Sirius. The war was getting to him. His friends were getting to him. Sirius was getting to him. "I've been a bit of a jerk lately, Padfoot. I'm sorry."

"I'm sorry, too." Remus started stroking his hair. "We're going to be okay."

"So," Remus took a deep breath, still exhausted, "Lily wants us to come over for pre-Halloween festivities. We could sleep a little first, I think."

"Remus Lupin, are you suggesting we show up late?"

"I am, Sirius Black." Remus kicked the covers back onto them; they had fallen off in Sirius's rush to embrace him. He curled back into Sirius and they fell asleep, grins on both of their faces.

"I don't think anyone is coming." James sat with Harry on his lap in the living room.

"Peter said he wasn't feeling well." Lily had been standing by the window and moved the curtain so she could look for Remus and Sirius. "I haven't heard from them," she whispered.

"Maybe they're sleeping." The room had been decorated by Lily while James had slept in. Halloween decorations strung up on the wall and lights were twinkling. It was rather impressive.

Lily turned back around. "Dumbledore wants us to meet him next week."

"That was random." James had been playing with Harry and shooting sparks out of his wand, one of Harry's favourite games to play.

"Not really. I was thinking about the Order."

"Ahh. Well, I'm sure if we were in danger, we'd know something." He put Harry down and got up to send an owl to Sirius. _Padfoot, Lily is worried. Please tell me you are coming.-Prongs._

The clock on the wall continued to tick. After an hour with no reply, James was tired of waiting. "Watch Harry, I'm going to get them." James handed her to him.

A pounding on the door shook Remus awake. He threw on a shirt and ran out of the bedroom to see what was happening. "Prongs?"

"See, my wife has decided to throw a party; it would be nice if people showed up." He noticed Remus's hair sticking up in several places and realized that he had never really seen Remus like that, even when they lived together at Hogwarts.

"We uh…overslept."

"If you had makeup sex, I don't want to know about it." He walked over to the bedroom. The door had remained open ajar and before entering he yelled, "Padfoot, get your arse out of bed."

Sirius responded with throwing a pillow at his head. When they were properly dressed, they apparated back over to the Potters' house.

"Remus, Sirius. How nice of you to show up." Lily wrapped each of them in a hug. The decorations had fallen a little bit, and the Halloween banner that had been hanging up drooped, looking a little sad.

"We overslept. Sorry." Remus apologized.

Sirius was already holding Harry. "We're here now though. So that's what really matters. But where the hell is Peter?"

"Not feeling well." James shrugged.

"I'm sorry we have to do this party a few days early." Remus was eating a sandwich covered in mustard that Lily had made.

"Not at all. We didn't want you to miss things."

"I'll be right back." Sirius put Harry back down and walked out of the house.

"Did you work things out?" Lily asked Remus, not bothering to ask where Sirius was going.

"We're okay."

"Good." James put on a Who record. "Can I go with Padfoot?"

"And leave me alone with your lovely wife?" Remus teased.

Sirius didn't bother to knock on Peter's door, but barged in. Peter was sitting on his couch curled up with tea. "I knew it. You aren't feeling well, my arse." Sirius accused.

"What does it matter? It's not even Halloween." Peter did not get up to greet Sirius.

"It matters because Remus needs this."

"I thought it was your job to take care of him."

"What the fuck is going on with you?"

"Nothing," Peter sighed dramatically. "I'm just sick of going out at night and getting into fights with people."

Sirius would not leave, even though Peter did nothing but insist that he was not going. Acknowledging that Sirius would never take no for an answer, Peter stood up. He also thought that he needed to remain convincing and it seemed that Sirius was growing suspicious of things. He forced a smile and they went back to the party.

Sirius walked back in followed by Peter. "He was feeling better." Sirius kissed Remus on the cheek.

"You didn't have to do this for me, Sirius." Remus whispered in his ear.

"Yes, I did, git."

The pre-Halloween festivities were a success. The night ended with Sirius getting his head stuck in a punch bowl and James catching the curtain on fire. "No more parties." Lily had laughed as she put out the fire.

Halloween came, and with it, Sirius found himself pacing their bedroom. "I don't have to go. I was there yesterday."

"Go, I'll be fine, Padfoot."

"I don't like leaving you alone." Sirius didn't just mean when he was a werewolf. But he didn't know how to articulate this. Somehow he felt Remus knew it. "I'll be here when you wake up."

"Don't lose the bet with Lily. Keep your clothes on." Remus winked.

"I can handle myself."

"I know." Remus kissed him and breathed him in; he didn't like this part. He was used to Padfoot being with him, along with the other Marauders. But he was perfectly capable of doing this alone. "Have fun, please."

"I won't have fun without you."

"I'm aware, but please just attempt to have fun. Do it for Harry. What's he being? A cat?"

"No, Moony." Sirius hit him playfully, but then remembered that Remus was already in pain. "Sorry," he took his arm back. "He's going as my favourite Marauder."

"Lily let him dress up as James?"

"No, you." He kissed him again. "You sure you'll be alright?"

"I'll be fine, Padfoot. Go to the party. Tell me all about it when I wake up."

After Sirius had left, after several more asks if he would really be alright, Remus sat down on the couch and waited. He let a few tears fall. His last conscious thought being he really missed the hell out of Padfoot and I really hope I don't destroy the house.

He found himself in bed the next morning. He searched for Padfoot and saw him sitting next to the bed. He had put on the Beatles White album, having remembered listening to them at his seventeenth birthday party. Why Don't We Do It In The Road was playing softly in the background.

Remus opened his mouth to speak, but Sirius hushed him. "I missed you." Remus nodded. "I should let you sleep some more. When you think you can handle food again, I'll come back." He kissed him on the forehead and left, shutting the door carefully.

Sirius worked on making soup off a recipe that Lily had taught him. Soup was the easiest thing for Moony to keep down after transformations. He had already cleaned up the house and waited for Moony to feel better.


	5. Chapter 5: Solo

Pain flooded his entire body. Slowly, Remus opened his eyes. Light shone in through the window. He had made it through another night. He had gone through full moons solo before of course, but he had forgotten how hard they were without them: the Marauders, especially that big black dog which never left his side. Remus did an inventory, sluggishly moving his hands over his mangled body. He noticed the Beatles album playing softly in the background, the way Sirius was showing him that he cared.

His injuries were usually manageable. He forgot how much he scratched himself when he didn't have company. There would definitely be more scars. He also felt guilt. Guilt that he had been such an arse to Sirius lately, that he was letting things affect him. He was usually very capable of controlling himself. Lately he had felt absolutely miserable, and had been taking it out on Sirius. Their fights had seemed stupid now.

Remus sat up carefully. The door had been left ajar so he could call for Sirius when he needed him. "Padfoot," he whispered. One of the perks of living with a dog animigus was that Padfoot had excellent hearing. He came running through the door, his tongue hanging out to the left side. In human form, this was how Sirius wagged his tail.

"Are you going to sleep all day?" He raised an eyebrow.

"Maybe," he grinned, and then pain hit him again. "I'm hungry. Help me out of bed?"

"You stay. I'll get you soup."

"I'm capable-"

"I know you are." Sirius cut him off. "Just let me take care of you." Remus understood his meaning. Sirius had probably spent the entire party worrying, even if he had gotten his head stuck in a punch bowl. Sirius took his promises very seriously, and he had made a promise that he would always be there for Remus. He hated breaking it, even though Remus had insisted.

He came back with a bowl of soup and sat it down on a tray for Remus. "I know, you insisted. But please don't insist again."

"I won't." His hands shook as he took a bite of soup. "Get the trash bin in case I get sick, please." He saw out of the corner of his eye that Sirius had already grabbed it.

"You always take such great care of me, Padfoot."

"Is this the part where we get all mushy? Now I know why people get so grossed out by us, we are positively nauseating." Sirius made a fake gag.

"I'd throw a pillow at you if I could. Don't tempt me." Slow. That was the only way to describe the post-full-moon days. The monster inside was kept at bay, but he'd always be back. Remus had to deal with the aftermath every month. "How long have I been going in and out?"

"All day," Sirius sat holding the small garbage bin, watching to see if Remus would need it.

"Do you want to tell me about the party?"

What could Sirius say? That he wanted Remus to be there more than anything? That he had felt absolutely terrible that he had to miss it because of something he couldn't even help? Sirius pushed the horrible feelings away and did his best to smile.

"You'll be shocked to know that I won the bet."

"I'm not that shocked, though." He had finished his soup and tried to move it, but Sirius stopped him.

"Do you want to lay down?"

Remus nodded. "I'll be at the next one." Sirius tried to get Remus into a comfortable position. To be honest, nothing today would really make Remus comfortable, but it was a nice gesture.

"I should go clean up."

Please don't. The words were stuck in his throat. He didn't want to see the mess he had created. The messes he always created. He didn't want to face it. He didn't want Padfoot to have to clean up his messes after every full moon, either. Please stay. He wanted to say them, but Sirius had already rushed out the door again.

One of the not so positive things about dogs, Remus mused, was that they were dogs, and therefore they were always running off before you could really say something. Sirius was more of a giant puppy than a dog, though.

You should be in there with him. You should make sure he's okay. You know he won't say so. The thoughts kept nagging at him. He paced the living room. He'd tell me. No he won't, because he doesn't want to be a burden. He's not a burden. But he feels like he is. He stopped pacing. "Please, just stop."

"Stop?" Peter had asked.

"I didn't even notice you coming in."

"Most people don't." Peter shrugged.

"Sorry, I didn't mean it like that. I'm just a bit preoccupied." He scanned Peter's face, checking for hurt. He found none. "You know that, though."

"Of course. Everyone is a bit distracted." Peter sat Sirius down with a cup of tea.

"I feel like I never see you anymore, Pete."

"What do you mean? I'm always hanging out with you lot."

"Right, but you just seem, I don't know, different."

"It's a part of growing up, Sirius. We're not at Hogwarts anymore."

"I'm aware."

Peter finished his tea. He forced his face to be absolutely calm, although he was internally panicking. "You should go check on Moony. Things will be alright, Padfoot."

Fuck. Fuck. FUCK. The key to being convincing is to not act different. Peter knew this. He also knew that the key to getting Harry to Voldemort was through Remus and Sirius. He had to make their relationship crumble. But he had to be extremely sneaky about this; he had to make sure that he was planting seeds in them that they weren't even aware of. He would have to chip away at their trust for each other slowly.


End file.
